Just Mia

mia_pappas @ 2009-12-26T21:12:00

2009-12-19T02:12:47Z

now my slew of journals to post.

these are going to be horribly out of order, sorry!

High school

2009-12-10T02:06:39Z

Seeing the draft of the senior yearbook, it made me feel nostalgic. I remember when we were coming into grade nine, I’m not going to be all cheesy and say that it felt like a new beginning, a fresh start, but when we started grade nine things were radically different. First of all, Sheila, Andi, Jacqui, Heather and I were still a group. We still did things together. Now we are so separated… it’s almost sad. Except for Jacqui is a cold heartless bitch. Some of us are going off to college and I know Sheila and Andi are planning to leave Stoneybrook and where does that leave the rest of us? I mean, I know we aren’t as close as we used to be but I wonder if we will all just splinter off completely.

Even this last year has been such a change. Last year at this time mom and I were at war, which didn’t get resolved until the wedding, if you could say that was resolved. Then the wedding. Then Brad and me. Then that broke apart and now Aaron. And that’s just me. So much as happened to Andi and Sheila this past year.

It makes me wonder where we will all be in a year, two years, five years, ten years. I’m pretty sure I’ll always be in Stoneybrook. I wonder if Brad will still be around ~~and if we will ever be together again~~. I wonder if Michael will be less of an asshole, if Nelson will still be around. I wonder if dad will ever be the father he ought to be. I wonder if I will be the mother I ought to be for Aaron. It makes me wonder what sort of person Aaron will grow up to be and who he will be when he is facing six months until graduation.

That is such a weird thought. Growing up is a weird thought.

Hallowe'en

2009-11-01T04:37:18Z

Hallowe'en is over now. It was a little sad because I actually felt grown up. Last year I went to Abby's party and it wasn't horrible. Hallowe'en was different then. I heard of that lame SDS Hallowe'en party and it didn't even cross my mind that I could go.

Mom had got Aaron B a little dragon costume, which he was so cute in. I wanted to take him out but mom wouldn't let me, saying he was too little and I could stay home and answer the door with him.

I guess now that Aaron is here, everything will change. I realise that. I accept that. Sometimes it's just hard to think that other people my age are out partying tonight and I'm home with my son.

What I need to do

2009-10-03T03:16:45Z

If I was a different girl and if this was a different set of circumstances, I might just follow up on my lie. I'd flirt with Justin Forbes just to get over Brad. Or I'd flirt with another guy. It may be unfair to whomever the guy is but it would help me get over Brad, wouldn't it?

But I'm not that girl and my life hasn't changed. What should be important is sleeping in my room with me. What should be important to me cries in the middle of the night and I go to him. I care for him. What should be important to me is my Aaron. And he is. He's my baby boy. He should be the only important guy in my life. He will be.

Brad is wrong. I don't need distractions. I need to be a good mother and I can't do that if I'm infactuated with Brad or playing games with whoever. I know I can't keep avoiding Brad either. Maybe I need to do what I have been doing. Just pretending with him. Eventually my feelings will change or his will.

The Greater Loves

2009-09-17T01:42:03Z

Aaron is asleep right next to me. Mom and Nelson are asleep in their room. Sara and Tara are asleep in their room. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about stuff. No, I keep thinking about Brad.

I’m off of school and it bothers me. I want to be at school but for all the wrong reasons. I love Brad Simon. He has been so amazing this past year. I never thought anyone could be like him. While I was pregnant he did so much for me. How many times did he go and get something for me because I was craving something? How many times did he take me to the doctors? He came with me to see Peanut on the ultra sound that one time. He fought the DJ for me. He waited in the waiting room while I gave birth. He was my friend. He was more than just a friend.

I love him. I want to be with him. I want to be able to kiss him. I want to curl up with him and not wonder what he thinks. I want him to put his arm around me and not have me wonder what it really means, if he is just being friendly or something else. ~~I don’t want to be jealous of Tree, wondering if she is going to make a move on him. Not that she deserves him.~~ But I know he doesn’t feel the same way. It’s been so long since we have broken up and became friends again, if he felt like that, he would have said something by now. ~~I guess that means he never loved me.~~

So where does this leave me? It leaves me alone in my bedroom. It leaves me wondering whenever I see him. It leaves me full of feelings that I know will never be returned. It leaves me heartbroken. It leaves me hurt.

I can’t keep feeling this way. Watching him being so sweet with Aaron just throws me every time. I can’t keep being in love with him. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to Aaron. I just need to stop. I have to cut off those feelings. I can’t keep obsessing when I have something so much greater in front of me. My energy and thoughts should be Aaron centric and I can’t give him everything if my heart belongs to Brad. I need to stop.

I need to and I will.

Write it all down

2009-09-09T19:27:00Z

My little Peanut is born. It’s really so unbelievable. I keep looking over at him, thinking if I take my eyes off him for a moment, he’ll disappear and none of this will have ever happened. When I hold him in my arms, I think about what Mari said at the supermarket, about how this will be an experience I will grow from. I still think that’s an obvious statement but holding Aaron, I am glad things happened like they did. I wouldn’t change this for the world. I just want to hold him and protect him and give him everything.

Mom keeps fawning over him too. The twins came in and looked at Aaron. Sara frowned at me and told me he was too little. Nelson and mom laughed, saying what cute things children say. Tara just watches him, trying to figure him out, I guess.

I have a million thoughts that I want to write down. I want to remember this moment. I want to remember the smells and the sights and the sounds. I want to write them all down. I want Aaron to be able to look back and know that when he was born into this world, he was the most precious thing. I want him to know that I loved him the second I laid eyes on him and even before that. I want him to know that I would do anything for him. I love him more than I thought was possible. He’s my little Peanut, my little Aaron Bradley, my baby.

The future

2009-09-07T17:22:38Z

Marley gave birth to a beautiful baby girl Saturday night: Annabelle Christine. Marley seems so happy, despite how completely exhausted she looks. To sound cliched, she almost seemed like she's glowing with pride.

It makes me think about when I will give birth. I can't imagine it at all and it scares me. I have so many questions about the future that I want to know and I know I won't be able to until Peanut is born. It will be a whole new world then and that's scary. I hope I'm just prepared enough. Marley isn't that much older than me and she seems prepared enough. Then again, she has Adam. ~~I wish I could say I had someone too.~~

It's not that long until I give birth. Seeing Annabelle Christine made things that much more real.

It's Not Real

2009-08-27T04:03:54Z

Braxton Hicks. All that cramping and pain and breathing and worry was all for nothing. Peanut is still snug as a bug in me and I'm still the size of a house.

Mom met me at the hospital and she pushed us in. At this point I had noticed the "contractions" were getting further apart than closer together. The doctor examined me and then told me it was what they called "false labour." Which means it's entirely possible this could happen again between now and real labour. Lovely. At least now I know the difference between the two.

One thing did come out of this, however. I really counted on Brad to be there and he doesn't fail me. Sure, he's not always the most reliable but he's there for me. I couldn't have done this without him.

Another thing I realised, I also really count on my mother. I couldn't imagine doing this without her. I never thought I would actually need her but I do. As much as we fight and don't get along, I still need my mother. It makes me wonder what Peanut will be like when she is born. Will she be like my mother and me? Or will we be close? Will she need me and rely on me when she's in trouble? Or will she push me away?

As scared as I was when I thought Peanut was really coming, I was also really disappointed to find out she wasn't. I can't wait to have my baby girl.

Name Game

2009-08-09T18:03:34Z

Marley called me today. We have become sort of friends. Mom loves to soak up the attention at Lamaze and so me and Marley just hang out. At first, I wasn’t sure what to make of her. She is so uppity and she talks so much. If she was at SHS, I would be irritated by her but for some reason she doesn’t annoy me. It’s nice to have someone to talk about pregnancy stuff to. It’s nice to be able to compare pregnancy ills and whatnot. I can’t exactly talk to Brad about it. I doubt he wants to hear that my breasts are lactating. Marley complains just as loudly and then we can talk about different types of breasts pumps. Again, not exactly a conversation I can have with Brad.

Marley and I were talking about names today. Andrea has changed from MaKenna to Kirsten to Steely. She told me that I really needed to start thinking about names. I just sort of shrugged. I guess I’m assuming that I’ll figure it out later. She reminded me that there isn’t much later left. She is due a couple of weeks before I am. She said that time will just creep up on us really quickly. Maybe I should start looking through name books and ignore any suggestions from Brad.

It was nice to get out today. Michael came home last night. We didn’t say a word to each other. Mom pulled me aside this morning and told me to “be nice.” What does she know? I never told her about his “talk” with Brad. She doesn’t know that he came down after he found out about Peanut. Why should I be “nice” to him when he can barely look at me? I bet she didn’t pull him aside. Whatever. I can go the rest of the month and not speak a word to him. I have nothing to say.

The Best Birthday Present

2009-08-04T01:51:10Z

My birthday was yesterday. I was going to write yesterday but when I got home, I was simply too tired.

This year is so radically different than from last year. I remember my birthday last year. The twins were running around. We had lived with them for about a month. I hated it here. I hated Tara and Sara. I hated their drawing they gave me. I hated how Nelson tried to interfer with my birthday traditions. I hated that both dad and Michael didn't call. I hated that Michael called a few days later, alleging that he had remembered but was too busy.

This year is different, however. The twins aren't annoying me as much and the fact that Nelson made a birthday breakfast didn't make me want to rip out my hair. Then there was Brad. He really came through. He took me to McDonald's and to a concert. He even got a little cake.

Brad was the best part of the day. Just being with him, on that blanket, I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I must have looked ridiculous but I’m in love with him. I really am and I hate it because I know he doesn’t think of me like that. It makes me wonder where we would be if Peanut never happened. Would things be like they are now? Or would we have broken up? I guess I should just be happy that Brad is here and he does so much. Who else would get up in the middle of the night and get me ice cream? Brad really was the best birthday present.

Fathers

2009-07-24T02:07:40Z

I’m still pretty pissed about what happened with Brad. I can’t believe that his sister and his father would act like that. Well, I can believe his father would. It seems like all fathers are assholes. And really, Amy shouldn’t have surprised me. I’ve met her before and thought she was a total bitch. Now this? Someone needs to tell her where her place is. If she won’t listen to Brad, she should listen to me. I know who Peanut’s father and it’s not Brad. ~~Though, I can say this here, Peanut would have done good by Brad. He would have made a good father.~~

Another Perfect Father's Day

2009-06-21T20:45:00Z

Mom and I talked with the guidance counsellor on Thursday to enrol me in summer school. So now, starting Monday, I get to sit with a bunch of seniors who couldn’t pull their socks up enough to pass school and graduation. Exciting times. I will just have to bring my mp3 player and try to tune out all the pathetic whining about how they failed and how they are too stupid to go to college.

I know why I’m doing this. The goal is to get half days at school next year so I can graduate on time and can spend most of the day with Peanut. That makes it worth it. That makes going to school during my summer worth it.

The twins are downstairs with mom making a special dinner for Nelson. Every few minutes Sara or Tara will run up here and ask me to join them. I don’t know how many times I’ve yelled at them to leave me alone and slammed the door behind them. Nelson is my stepfather, not my father. I don’t need to be downstairs, giggling with the girls and writing in too sugary icing how wonderful a dad he is. My dad abandoned me. My dad hasn’t written me for months. I’m not even in my dad’s thoughts.

I keep looking down at my stomach and thinking the same thing all day. Peanut’s father has abandoned her. He will never be around for father’s day. She’ll never be with me in the kitchen, laughing, as we make him a meal. She’ll never write him a “Happy Father’s Day” card in glitter. He’ll never take her out to play on the park or be there when she runs home and tells him all about her day. He’ll never pick her up and tell her that she is his special little girl. At least Peanut is lucky enough that she won’t have memories that will haunt her on Father’s Day. She’s lucky enough not to remember how Father’s Day used to be. She won’t remember running into the bedroom, jumping on dad’s bed and asking him if he remembers that he promised to have a special lunch. Dad would get up and Michael, Dad and I would go to go out for a pancake brunch. Then we would go do something special that afternoon, just the three of us.

Nelson isn’t my father. There is no reason that I need to be social today at all. Everyone can just leave me alone.

Priorities

2009-06-05T21:02:54Z

I saw Tommy yesterday. Brad beat him up. That’s all I want to say about it. It should bother me more than it does. A part of me knows I should be really upset about what happened. I never wanted to see him again. I saw him again. He was angry and hurtful that I didn’t get rid of his child. Brad stood up for me. He got really angry and stood up for me.

I’m more upset that it happened than what happened. I’m more upset that someone is out there able to do those things. I’m more upset that Brad had to stand up for me. I’m more upset that a part of me hates myself for what happened. I’m more upset that there is this part of me that wishes this past year never happened. I’m more upset that there is a part of me that wants to go back to just before mom’s wedding and change everything. I’m more upset that I’m afraid Jacqui will be right, that this baby deserves someone better than me. I’m more upset that I can’t just be content with the hand I’ve been dealt. I’m more upset that I can’t just look at my bloated stomach and smile because that’s my baby in there. I’m more upset that I’m not the mother I should be.

I’m more upset that I’m upset about all these other things and not about Tommy.

Prom in an alternate reality

2009-05-25T14:04:43Z

I’m not like how Jacqui says I am. I don’t resent this baby. I don’t blame this baby for how things turned out. I’m not going to hate this baby. I chose to keep this baby. I chose to be its mother and I chose to carry this baby to term. I thought about those decisions and the consequences. I do not regret my decisions. I don’t and I won't

Yet I cannot help but think about how life would be if I never became pregnant. Especially during prom. Prom wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. I never really imagined what prom would be when I was younger. I never dreamt that it would be the most wonderful night in my whole life or the night I would go out with Prince Charming and lose my virginity to him. I guess I always assumed it would be me and the girls going: Andi, Sheila, Heather and Jacqui. But prom wasn’t like that. Jacqui is back from wherever she disappeared to and as much as I worried about her when she was gone, it’s not enough for me to want to talk to her again. Heather is Jacks’ best friend and is usually tuned out to the world around her. Sheila is so drunk lately and Andi… she’s probably the most normal one out of all of us. We aren’t a group anymore and it’s sad because I don’t believe we ever will be again.

If I wasn't pregnant, then maybe it would have been different. Maybe Jacqui and I could have made up one day. Maybe we would have gone as a group. Or maybe not. ~~Maybe I would have gone with Brad as his date and not just as friend.~~ When I was at prom, I could feel everyone looking at me. There is no hiding the “baby bump” anymore. A lot of the time, I just throw on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It sort of hides it. Mom says it just makes me look pudgy but that’s better than wearing my normal clothes and have people do that double take at me or the fast look away, as if I can’t tell they weren’t just looking at my stomach. I can see the judgement in their eyes. In a way, I don’t care what they think. They aren’t me. They don’t know but on the other hand, I hate the stares. There is nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I just want to go out to those people who are staring and say, “Yes, I’m pregnant. Get over it.” Prom would have been nicer without the stares.

~~Then there is Brad and~~

I don't regret this baby. I won't blame the baby for things that can't be now. I shouldn't be thinking about what ifs.

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:40:56Z

My first mother’s day.

When I went to bed last night, I thought about my mother and how much things have changed recently. Last year my mother and I had a huge fight. She wanted Nelson and the twins to join us on our Mother’s Day brunch. It was supposed to be just me, mom and Michael but Michael cancelled at the last minute. I didn’t want Nelson and the twins there. In all honestly, I hadn’t wanted to go at all but at least I thought it should have been family only. In the end, mom went with Nelson and the twins and I stayed at home. I didn’t want Nelson to be invading on family time. I didn’t want them a part of my family either. It’s amazing how much has changed in one year. If you had told me a year ago that Nelson and the twins were going to be a part of the family and that I actually sort of respected them, I probably would have self imploded. Dad had been gone for two years then and I was still fighting it. I just wanted things back to normal. I wanted my dad back. I was closer to my dad than my mother. My mother was always trying to figure me out, trying to relate to me. In grade eight, she brought me that black leather vest, it wasn’t because it was just a nice gift but because she was trying to connect to me and make sure I fit in with everyone else. Dad, on the other hand, if he was the one buying the vest, he would have gotten it because I liked it. No other reason other than I liked it. It’s weird. Now dad doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’s all but forgotten me and what he does remember he had a daughter, it’s like he has this image in his mind of someone else. He pictures a daughter who is doing well in school and is popular. He doesn’t want to bother to find out if he is right or wrong. He doesn’t want to bother most of the time.

Mom, on the other hand, is different. Mom hasn’t bailed on me. Her and I… we don’t really get along. Mom has this image of me in her head too. She has this image of someone she wants me to be but she’s trying. The pink in my hair says she’s trying. She’s not perfect. She keeps bringing home these really preppy looking maternity outfits which makes me just gag. I’ve told her those aren’t my style but she’s so hopeful and… it feels like I owe it to her to wear them around the house at least. She’s helping me with this baby and she doesn’t have to. I could throw a hissy fit and tell her to return them but I don’t. Am I changing? Am I just giving in? Or am I just trying to keep things peaceful? Fighting all the time can be tiring. It makes things hard.

Mom woke me up this morning, wishing me a happy mother’s day. It confused me at first then it sort of hit me. Maybe the baby isn’t born yet but I’m a mother. I’m a mother now. The twins were apparently making her breakfast downstairs and she was supposed to wait for breakfast in bed. Nelson was supervising to make sure the twins weren’t making anything “unique.” She wanted this moment to be between the Pappas girls. She had gotten me a huge white soft knitted blanket for myself and a smaller one for the baby. She said on the nights that I’m up with the baby, having the blankets would be nice. I hadn’t expected to get anything for mother’s day. Mom looked a bit sad when I opened my present.

It’s been a weird day. I don’t even really know what I’m thinking about right now. After the twins gave mom their gift, I gave her mine then asked her to go prom dress shopping with me. I think she appreciated that more than the actual gift. I almost regret asking her because I know she is going to point out the worse dresses and I will hate them but she seemed so happy that I couldn’t take it away from her.

I don’t know. With everything that is going on lately, I almost feel content with life. I don’t feel like I’m fighting against everything all the time. Things are finally peaceful at home. Things are okay with friends (well, what’s going on with Sheila is a different issue that I don’t want to deal with). Things are okay with school. I’m not fighting myself about the baby. Is this happiness? Is this what life is supposed to be like? Or is this just a phase and everything will go to crap again?

The Journal Entry that Means Nothing

2009-04-16T04:18:20Z

I can’t look at Brad without thinking about Sunday. I can’t believe he slept with Jacqui. Why Jacqui? I’d like to believe that had it been anyone else, I would handle this better. But why Jacqui, whom he knew I was fighting with? Jacqui, who used to be my of my closest friends until she got her bitch up in my face and I decided not to take anymore. Jacqui, who acts like she knows and understands everything but is just a close minded bitch. Jacqui, who told me I was going to be a terrible mother and that my baby would not want to be born to me. Brad chose to sleep with her. Had he slept with Heather I could have accepted easier. But Jacqui? He had to choose Jacqui.

His excuse was that he was drunk and high. How drunk and high did he have to be to sleep with Jacqui? I just want to lash out at him and tell him to go fuck himself. I want that I don’t need him. I want to push him away. I want to hurt him like he hurt me.

I can’t, however. What right do I have to be mad at him? We broke up. He was allowed to sleep with whoever he wanted to. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted. He made his decision. He didn’t want anything to do with me. He wouldn’t even look at me. Then he suddenly missed me. Then he said I was his best friend.

I have several rules for myself. Don’t trust any guys. Don’t allow them to be close. Don’t fall in love. I broke all those rules. I trusted him. He became a close friend. I fell in love. So I had to make another rule: no second chances. Is he on his third now? What else will he tell me that happened?

What I hate most of all is that when I’m with him, a part of me still wants to be with him. I want to be his girlfriend again. I want to get in the backseat of his van with him. I want to just pretend none of this is real. When we were together, I could actually believe in happiness.

It’s funny, isn’t it? In my pursuit of trying to figure out how to be happy, I absolutely destroyed any chance of ever being happy. I don’t blame the baby. The baby didn’t choose to be my child, to be put in this situation. Jacqui is wrong about that. I won’t blame the baby for that. I blame myself. I blame my choices. I chose to have sex that night. I chose not to even think about protection. I chose to believe that those acts might make me happy. It didn’t. I didn’t even want to dwell on it after. Happy moments deserved to be dwelt on. Happy moments should put a smile on one’s face instead of an embarrassed blush.

That decision that I told myself may make me happy didn’t make me happy. It seemed to ruin my chances for further happiness. I walk around with this baby in me and it’s obvious. I can see the lump as clear as day. I think my classmates can too. Who is going to look at me the same? I will always be that stupid girl who got pregnant when she was sixteen.

If I keep the baby, then who will look at me? I have a child. I was that stupid girl in high school who kept the child. If I don’t, then I have to face myself every day, wondering where my child is, how my child is doing and if my child is happy. How could I live with that? ~~A part of me thinks I may just kill myself if I had to do that.~~

Andi seems to believe something good will come out of this. She said that a couple of times when I told her I was pregnant. I want to believe her. I want to believe all this wasn’t for nothing. I want to believe that my child, no matter what I decide, will have a good life. I want to believe there can be happiness after this. I want to believe I can be happy. Living inside my own head, maybe I can. I can think of a hopeful future. I can see that maybe things will be better at home. I didn’t mind being with the twins on Easter and wearing those bunny ears, despite my protests. I didn’t mind being the big sister. Living in my own head, I can be happy. Maybe. Once I live outside my head, reality hits and it hurts. Brad hated me and he … he was not what I expected at all. My friends cannot be trusted. People at school are judging me and pretending to know what it is like to be me. My mother continues to gasp at the daughter she never had. This world of hope that I thought I could see falls apart in an instance.

So what’s left for me to do? Act like Sheila all the time? The old Sheila anyway. Put on that happy face, act like everything is fine, that I’m the strongest person in the world. Do I continue to act like nothing bothers me? Put on that brave face and be everything everyone wanted me to be. Do I let them win finally?

Or do I accept that I am alone and that’s my fate? Do I accept that the concept of happiness has probably slipped through my fingers? That I lost it when Dad left and sent me down this road. That it flew away when I realised that family isn’t this stable thing that it should be but a fluctuating unit that isn’t stable and will collapse on itself. When I realised family is optional and doesn’t mean anything. Is this the reality I want my child born into?

Or do I go back and search for a middle ground? Forgive when it’s acceptable and believe in family again? Yet keeping the wall close, protecting myself and my child from hurt. Do I go back to where I was in December when I spoke with Justin? He believed in happiness. He believed in not giving control to others and taking control for himself. He said he was happy.

Now it’s really late and I’ve written all this and I know it amounts to nothing. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make it any easier to look at Brad and think that he was with Jacqui. It doesn’t make the hurt go away. It doesn’t make me any less curious to why he even wants me back in his life after he threw me out. It doesn’t make any of that hurt go away either. Writing this doesn’t make the decision any easier regarding the baby, it doesn’t convince me to keep it or not. It’s stupid late now and nothing has changed.

Darkness

2009-04-08T03:28:26Z

Get out. We’re done.
You're gonna ruin that kid's life, even though it never ever asked to be born to a shitty person like you.

I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about those conversations over and over. I couldn’t say it to Jacqui. I was furious when she came up to me. I still am. She is wrong. We were friends for so long. I didn’t agree with a lot of what she did but…

What if she is right? What if I’m just this horrible person? What if I do ruin this baby’s life? What if it would have been better off being aborted? What if I had decided not to abort it because of some sense of pride? Because Tommy was an asshole and just to spite him, I was going to keep the child. Am I that petty? Would I really put my personal feelings over what is best for this life?

I should just give it up for adoption and then it will never have to think of me again. It can have a wonderful life and never know what a fuck up its mother is. It will never know and it can actually be happy.

Everything I thought I gained by telling Andi and Sheila is lost.

There’s a reason why Brad hates me. There is a reason why he threw me out of his house and why he never wants to talk to me again.

I should just tell Nelson to help me figure out this adoption thing.

Everything has a purpose

2009-04-07T02:07:30Z

I told Andi and Sheila last week about the baby. Their reactions were different than anyone else. I really thought they were get mad. I thought they would look down on me and judge me, like I did something really stupid. But they didn't. It was a bit awkward at times, especially when they asked me what I was planning to do. As every day passes, I want to say I'm going to keep this baby. I have been looking into welfare and co-ops. I could do it on my own, if I wanted to.

Andi said to me that something good may come out of this. I wonder if she is right. Sometimes it feels like this baby had destoryed my whole life. Everything I thought I had control over, I lost. Maybe something good can happen for this. My mother had taken to chanting that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this thing isn't as bad as I thought it was.

Brad spoke to me yesterday. As if everything was fine between us, normal between us. As if he isn't mad at me or hates me. I don't know what to think about that. What if he starts acting like nothing happened? What if he acts like he never threw me out of his life? I answered him back yesterday but do I want to talk to him again? He's an asshole just like every other guy. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to trust him. I don't want him back. No. I do. I miss him. None of this matters. He has made his feelings perfectly clear.

Beautiful Creature

2009-03-17T14:43:52Z

He hasn’t been in class all week. I haven’t seen him all week. I thought I saw him once or twice in the halls but I can’t be sure. It’s like he’s gone. One moment he was there, one moment he was a part of my life and the next he’s gone. He’s completely vanished. He turned out to be like everyone else. I miss him. I don’t want to. When I think of him, all I can hear is how he told me to get out, how he wasn’t even... he’s an asshole. A jerk. Like everyone else. How can I miss him? He doesn’t miss me, obviously. Whatever we had meant nothing to him and I just need to forget him. He’s just another lesson in my life: don’t let people in; don’t trust people.

I had another doctor’s appointment yesterday. I was surprised at how it tired it made me. I had intended to go back to school after the appointment but it just wore me out. I stayed home for the rest of the day. The doctor did some tests to make sure the baby is growing healthy and I had my first ultrasound. I had no idea what to expect but when the screen flickered to life and I could see the black and white image of my baby… I don’t know how to explain it. The doctor showed me where the baby’s head was and where the body was. Suddenly, the baby felt real to me. I’ve noticed the changes in me. I’ve read how the baby is growing but to actually see it? It took my breath away. It is real.

So now what do I do? A part of me would rather die than give the child up for adoption. Seeing my baby seemed to turn on this maternal instinct in me. That is mychild, my baby. How can I go through all this only to say good-bye? Yet how can I even entertain the thought of keeping the child? I’m 16. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any money. How can I expect to be a good mother? How can I expect that I can be a mother? Yet, this is my child and I can’t let it go. I can’t.

I know I need to tell mom soon. I’m afraid. After how he acted, what if mom acts the same? What if she hates me as much as he does? How will Nelson react? Will he be disgusted that he has me as a stepdaughter? What if dad or Michael find out? I don’t expect mom to support me in this. I can’t expect to be able to rely on them. But what if she hates me?

What will happen when my friends find out? What will happen when the school finds out? Sometimes I wish I just had an abortion and then I wouldn’t have to deal with this. I look at my ultrasound picture and I know why I didn’t. It doesn’t make any of this easier. And I'm still scared.

Mia Pappas Profile 3.0

2009-03-08T03:40:23Z

&basics.

FULL NAME: Mia Anne Pappas
NICKNAMES: none
BIRTHDAY: August 2, 1992
ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Leo
GRADE: ~~Sophomore~~ Junior, Stoneybrook High School
CAR: none. doesn't have her license. She had no interest in getting her license either

&spefics.

HEIGHT: 5’2”
HAIR COLOR: Naturally it is brown, but she dies it black
EYE COLOR: brown
PIERCINGS: several in her ears, ring in her right eyebrow, tongue
PERSONAL STYLE: gothic/ emo. She wears a lot of dark clothes and a lot of heavy makeup, especially around the eyes. She rarely brushes her hair, giving it a puffy messy look. She doesn’t really care that much about fashion and you will never catch her wearing pink (except at her mother’s wedding but that wasn’t by choice!)

&personality.

You may have met Mia Pappas in eight grade, hanging out with the “badd” girls: Jacqui Grant, Heather Epstein, Andi Gentile and Sheila MacGregor. You remember those girls, they liked to have fun and party. Too bad Stacey McGill was a sore blanket and thought she was too good for them. Oh well, who needs her anyway?

Mia doesn’t really like the title of being a bad girl. I guess you could say she went through a “bad girl” phrase but really she was just dealing. Her father walked out on her family the year before to live with some hot young thing. He stopped communicating with their family and it was like they never exist. Mia struggled with this, turning to partying to figure things out. There was no party she didn’t say no too and few guys she wouldn’t go down on.

Yet partying seemed empty to her and didn’t seem to fix anything. In fact, it seemed to further prove that men were jerks and weren’t to be trust. Men were to be used before they could use you. While Mia won’t say no to a good party, she cooled down on drinking and hooking up.

Mia doesn’t maintain a good relationship with her family. Her brother went off to Harvard and does not contact his family as much as he should. When he back, he acts like an over protective big brother and believes that Mia is just screwing around. He thinks she needs strict discipline so that she can clean up her act. Her mother tries to relate to her daughter but fails. She remembers the happy perky girl that her daughter used to be. She doesn’t understand this gothic/ emo girl who replaced her. She doesn’t understand why they don’t get along anymore and where her daughter’s anger comes from. She hopes that maybe if she bought her daughter things that she used to enjoy or things that seem to be popular, maybe than Mia will just be that happy girl again.

Mia’s mother recently got married to Nelson More. Mia was forced to leave her childhood home and move into her stepfather’s old farm house and must get used to his two twin daughters. Mia is resisting this change has hard as possible. Yet, a secret part of her, doesn’t mind her new family. This secret part, that she will never reveal, doesn’t mind having to baby-sit the twins once in a while or even her new stepfather. Just try and get her to say it.

While Mia will never admit it, she blames herself for her father leaving and for her brother being distance. Maybe if she was a better person then her father would have wanted to take an interest in her. Maybe if she was different then those things wouldn’t have happened.

Mia wants to be happy. She knows she hasn’t been happy in a long time and she does want that. Yet how can she be happy when her family can’t except her or ignore her? How can she be happy when everything feels so hollow? How can she be happy when she puts her trust into people, she always ends up hurt in the end? Maybe happiness is just a fleeting dream.

Recently, Mia has discovered she is pregnant. The father was the DJ at her mother’s wedding and he wants nothing to do with the baby. Mia knows whatever decision she makes now will forever change her life.

&family.
FATHER: William James Pappas. 56. He has only occasional contact with his children. Just before seventh grade started, he announced that he wanted a divorce and that he was moving to England with his new girlfriend. He seemed to disappear from Mia’s life, except for the occasional letter to his daughter or the random phone call to her mother, asking her how Mia is doing but never actually talking to Mia herself.
Only recently, has William tried to make an active effort to become involved in his children’s lives again. Mia wants nothing to do with her father.

MOTHER: Janet ~~Pappas- Radunsky~~ More, 45. Janet married William at a young age. William had finished college and was ready to begin his next stage in life. Janet dropped out of high school and eagerly took up her role as his wife. It took a while for their first child to come but William was satisfied when he had his son and daughter. After William left, Janet was at a loss and was unsure how to raise her two children on her own. Shortly after her husband left, Janet met Nelson More and began to work at his law firm as his secretary.
Janet loves and cares for her children very much. She is very proud of both of them; although, she is often unsure how to relate to her children. She doesn’t understand what her daughter is going through and tries to reach her at her level, often failing.

BROTHER: Michael Damon Pappas. 19. He is attending Harvard as a pre-med student. Michael cares about his family but is very goal orientated. As such, he spends a lot of his time studying and doesn’t communicate with his family as much as he probably should. He is extremely protective of his younger sister. Michael and Mia do not get along.

GRANDPARENTS: Rose Mary Radunsky and Miroslaw Radunsky. They moved back to Poland just before tenth grade. They speak mainly Polish. Mia does not communicate much with them.

~~FUTURE~~ STEP FAMILY: Nelson More- stepfather, 47. He was divorced three years ago and has sole custody of his two twin daughters. There is very little contact with his ex-wife. He is an immigration lawyer in Stamford. He knows that Mia does not seem to like him but he wants to be there for her. He knows he can’t push and wants to be patient with her.

Tara & Sara More- step-sisters, 5. In short, these are the perfect children. They adore their new family and are very easy going. Secretly, Mia likes them too but she won’t admit it.

PETS: Tara and Sara have a puppy

&personal history.

FIRST KISS: Kelsey Bauman, seventh grade.
FIRST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER: Eighth grade. She doesn’t remember who. She was probably drunk
FIRST SEXUAL INTERCOURSE: The DJ at her mother's wedding.
FAVOURITE BOOK: The Gospel According to Larry by Janet Tashjian
FAVOURITE MUSIC: Rock, Alternative, Heavy Metal
FAVOURITE COLOUR: Red
FAVOURITE FOOD: Spaghetti and meatballs
FAVOURITE PLACE: her bedroom
FAVOURITE ANIMAL: Cats

LEAST FAVOURITE BOOK: anything that has been assigned for school
LEAST FAVOURITE MUSIC: pop music, boy bands
LEAST FAVOURITE COLOUR: pink
LEAST FAVOURITE FOOD: sushi

HOBBIES: reading, writing, sulking
PHOBIAS: turning out like everyone else, finding out that she is unlovable

&relationships. BEST FRIEND: "Besties" are for people who have no lives
FRIENDS: Sheila MacGregor, Gordon Brown, Andi Gentile, Jacqui Grant, Price Irving, Heather Epstein, Brad Simon
ENEMIES: Stacey McGill
SIGNIFICANT OTHER: ~~Brad Simon~~
CRUSH: Mia doesn’t crush. Guys aren’t worth the hassle.
PAST RELATIONSHIPS: Brad Simon

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: heterosexual
TURN-ONS: Unique-ness, good taste in music, good humour and eyes
TURN-OFFS: Jocks, popularity, conceit

&school.

BEST SUBJECT: Study hall
WORST SUBJECT: Gym
FAVOURITE TEACHER: Only teacher's pets have favourite teachers.
LOATHED TEACHER: All of them.
GPA: Mostly Cs
CLASS RANK: low
School Schedule:
7:50-8:10
Homeroom
First Period
8:15 - 9:04 World History
Second Period
9:09 - 10:00 Creative Writing
Third Period
10:05 - 10:54 Chorale
B&C Lunch's Fourth Period Alg 2/ Trig
10:59 - 11:48
B Lunch
11:53 - 12:23
A&B Lunch's Fifth Period
12:28 - 1:17 Study Hall
Sixth Period
1:22 - 2:11 English
Seventh Period
2:16 - 3:05 Chemistry

Activities: None

&ooc.
Played by Betty Curse/ Megan Burns. Please note this journal is for RP use only. I am not Betty Curse or Mia Pappas. Nor is Stoneybrook is real. Sadly.

S.O.S (Anything but Love)

2009-03-07T20:58:14Z

I fucking hate him. I HATE him. Why was I so stupid to go to him? He's just like everyone else! I shouldn't have trusted him. I should have known better. He's a fucking asshole!

I should have known that I am completely alone in this.

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

How could he do this to me? I needed him. I needed him. I loved him. I thought he would be there for me. I didn't think he would support me like that but... I thought he would have been there. How could I have been so stupid? I can't trust anyone. I...

I loved him and I lost him and I hate myself so much.

It.

2009-02-28T22:52:59Z

I'm home alone. I... I need to be honest with myself. I need to stop pretending it's not real. But I guess I'm not pretending it's not real. I find myself touching my stomach throughout the day. I can't believe there is something growing in there. There is something alive in me that isn't me.

I need to make another doctor's appointment. I need to make an appointment no matter what I choose I guess. I've calculated that I'm in my 9th week. Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was online all night rearching my "three options" as all the sites put it: keep it, adopt it, abort it.

At nine weeks it can stuck it thumb. I keep thinking of it as a blob of cells but it's more than that. I can't see it at all but... it's there, growing. Next week it will have fingernails. I read that right now it's the size of the grape and that my blood volume has increased 40-50 times. My body is changing for this thing inside me. I'm changing.

I can't sleep at night and I know I need to. ~~I want to protect it.~~ What do I with it? Do I kill it? Is it too late for that option? Do I keep it? Can I keep it? Am I silly to think I could even keep it? Do I give it up? How do I find a family? Do I need a lawyer?

How do I tell my mother? Can I deal with this without telling my mother? ~~Do I tell Brad?~~ What about the father? Do I have to tell him? Do I expect him to help me support ~~the child~~ it?

I keep searching the internet, expecting something to pop up and say "MIA! THIS IS YOUR ANSWER HERE" but I know I won't. I need to figure this out on my own.

~~I'm scared~~

It can't be true

2009-02-23T17:38:36Z

I stayed home today. I told mom I had another headache. I haven’t told anyone what happened at the doctor’s on Friday. What can I say? I went in because I thought I had the flu and the doctor believes it’s something else entirely? He was talking to me as if I was fucking stupid.

I still can’t say it. ~~If I say it, then it makes it real. It can’t be real. It won’t be real~~ I opened my journal a million times this weekend to write about but immediately closed it. I cancelled my date with Brad because I can’t look at him. ~~I don’t know what to say to him.~~

I’m just sitting here, waiting for the fucking phone to ring and as much as I want it to ring, I’m terrified it will. What if it does and it’s true? Why do these things keep happening to me? It can’t be true. It can’t be true! It’s not fair. IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR. So many more people sleep around than I do! I did once! ONCE! And now the doctor thinks I’m fucking pregnant!

There. I said it. The doctor told me he thinks I’m pregnant. He asked when my last period was. He asked if I ever had unprotected sex. He did the math. I did the math too. But this couldn’t have happened to me. It can’t happen to me. It won’t happen to me. That phone will ring and they will tell me that it’s negative. It must ring and they must tell me it’s negative.

It can’t be true.

Unpopular Opinion

2009-02-18T21:25:03Z

I've heard rumours about Andi and I know I should talk to her but I don't really know what to say. I know I shouldn't avoid her but... in all honesty, I don't really understand it. How could it happen? I always thought Andi was so strong, how could she let it happen? I know I shouldn't blame her. I don't blame Andi... I just don't understand why it could happen.

I guess this is just another thing to prove that guys aren't to be trusted. They just hurt and hurt. It makes me scared about Brad. He has been so good lately, I wonder when something will happen that will show his true guy nature?

On a different note, I have a doctor's appointment this Friday. The one positive thing is that I get to miss school in the morning. I guess two positive things, I find out why I feel so crappy lately.

mia_pappas @ 2009-02-12T10:59:00

2009-02-12T16:10:21Z

I had a stupid thought.

I can’t seem to shake that flu I had when we were trapped at Target. I am really tired and I still have the feeling of nausea at times. If it was the flu, it would be gone by now, wouldn’t it? The flu doesn’t normally stay around this long.

The other thought (the stupid thought) is that my period late. But that doesn’t mean anything. It’s only a couple of weeks and it’s not like it has never been late before. It’s not like I have regular period or anything. Besides a late period doesn’t necessarily mean that. It’s probably just the super flu. I should have gotten the flu shot this year then I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking stupid thoughts. It’s definitely not that.

Either way, I think I should go to the doctor.