Just Mia

( So go on and fight me/ Go on and scare me to death/ Tell me I asked for it/ Tell me I'll never forget/ You could give me anything but love/ Anything but love )

Seeing the draft of the senior yearbook, it made me feel nostalgic. I remember when we were coming into grade nine, I’m not going to be all cheesy and say that it felt like a new beginning, a fresh start, but when we started grade nine things were radically different. First of all, Sheila, Andi, Jacqui, Heather and I were still a group. We still did things together. Now we are so separated… it’s almost sad. Except for Jacqui is a cold heartless bitch. Some of us are going off to college and I know Sheila and Andi are planning to leave Stoneybrook and where does that leave the rest of us? I mean, I know we aren’t as close as we used to be but I wonder if we will all just splinter off completely.

Even this last year has been such a change. Last year at this time mom and I were at war, which didn’t get resolved until the wedding, if you could say that was resolved. Then the wedding. Then Brad and me. Then that broke apart and now Aaron. And that’s just me. So much as happened to Andi and Sheila this past year.

It makes me wonder where we will all be in a year, two years, five years, ten years. I’m pretty sure I’ll always be in Stoneybrook. I wonder if Brad will still be around and if we will ever be together again. I wonder if Michael will be less of an asshole, if Nelson will still be around. I wonder if dad will ever be the father he ought to be. I wonder if I will be the mother I ought to be for Aaron. It makes me wonder what sort of person Aaron will grow up to be and who he will be when he is facing six months until graduation.

That is such a weird thought. Growing up is a weird thought.

Hallowe'en is over now. It was a little sad because I actually felt grown up. Last year I went to Abby's party and it wasn't horrible. Hallowe'en was different then. I heard of that lame SDS Hallowe'en party and it didn't even cross my mind that I could go.

Mom had got Aaron B a little dragon costume, which he was so cute in. I wanted to take him out but mom wouldn't let me, saying he was too little and I could stay home and answer the door with him.

I guess now that Aaron is here, everything will change. I realise that. I accept that. Sometimes it's just hard to think that other people my age are out partying tonight and I'm home with my son.

If I was a different girl and if this was a different set of circumstances, I might just follow up on my lie. I'd flirt with Justin Forbes just to get over Brad. Or I'd flirt with another guy. It may be unfair to whomever the guy is but it would help me get over Brad, wouldn't it?

But I'm not that girl and my life hasn't changed. What should be important is sleeping in my room with me. What should be important to me cries in the middle of the night and I go to him. I care for him. What should be important to me is my Aaron. And he is. He's my baby boy. He should be the only important guy in my life. He will be.

Brad is wrong. I don't need distractions. I need to be a good mother and I can't do that if I'm infactuated with Brad or playing games with whoever. I know I can't keep avoiding Brad either. Maybe I need to do what I have been doing. Just pretending with him. Eventually my feelings will change or his will.

Aaron is asleep right next to me. Mom and Nelson are asleep in their room. Sara and Tara are asleep in their room. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about stuff. No, I keep thinking about Brad.

I’m off of school and it bothers me. I want to be at school but for all the wrong reasons. I love Brad Simon. He has been so amazing this past year. I never thought anyone could be like him. While I was pregnant he did so much for me. How many times did he go and get something for me because I was craving something? How many times did he take me to the doctors? He came with me to see Peanut on the ultra sound that one time. He fought the DJ for me. He waited in the waiting room while I gave birth. He was my friend. He was more than just a friend.

I love him. I want to be with him. I want to be able to kiss him. I want to curl up with him and not wonder what he thinks. I want him to put his arm around me and not have me wonder what it really means, if he is just being friendly or something else. I don’t want to be jealous of Tree, wondering if she is going to make a move on him. Not that she deserves him. But I know he doesn’t feel the same way. It’s been so long since we have broken up and became friends again, if he felt like that, he would have said something by now. I guess that means he never loved me.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me alone in my bedroom. It leaves me wondering whenever I see him. It leaves me full of feelings that I know will never be returned. It leaves me heartbroken. It leaves me hurt.

I can’t keep feeling this way. Watching him being so sweet with Aaron just throws me every time. I can’t keep being in love with him. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to Aaron. I just need to stop. I have to cut off those feelings. I can’t keep obsessing when I have something so much greater in front of me. My energy and thoughts should be Aaron centric and I can’t give him everything if my heart belongs to Brad. I need to stop.

I need to and I will.

My little Peanut is born. It’s really so unbelievable. I keep looking over at him, thinking if I take my eyes off him for a moment, he’ll disappear and none of this will have ever happened. When I hold him in my arms, I think about what Mari said at the supermarket, about how this will be an experience I will grow from. I still think that’s an obvious statement but holding Aaron, I am glad things happened like they did. I wouldn’t change this for the world. I just want to hold him and protect him and give him everything.

Mom keeps fawning over him too. The twins came in and looked at Aaron. Sara frowned at me and told me he was too little. Nelson and mom laughed, saying what cute things children say. Tara just watches him, trying to figure him out, I guess.

I have a million thoughts that I want to write down. I want to remember this moment. I want to remember the smells and the sights and the sounds. I want to write them all down. I want Aaron to be able to look back and know that when he was born into this world, he was the most precious thing. I want him to know that I loved him the second I laid eyes on him and even before that. I want him to know that I would do anything for him. I love him more than I thought was possible. He’s my little Peanut, my little Aaron Bradley, my baby.

Marley gave birth to a beautiful baby girl Saturday night: Annabelle Christine. Marley seems so happy, despite how completely exhausted she looks. To sound cliched, she almost seemed like she's glowing with pride.

It makes me think about when I will give birth. I can't imagine it at all and it scares me. I have so many questions about the future that I want to know and I know I won't be able to until Peanut is born. It will be a whole new world then and that's scary. I hope I'm just prepared enough. Marley isn't that much older than me and she seems prepared enough. Then again, she has Adam. I wish I could say I had someone too.

It's not that long until I give birth. Seeing Annabelle Christine made things that much more real.

Braxton Hicks. All that cramping and pain and breathing and worry was all for nothing. Peanut is still snug as a bug in me and I'm still the size of a house.

Mom met me at the hospital and she pushed us in. At this point I had noticed the "contractions" were getting further apart than closer together. The doctor examined me and then told me it was what they called "false labour." Which means it's entirely possible this could happen again between now and real labour. Lovely. At least now I know the difference between the two.

One thing did come out of this, however. I really counted on Brad to be there and he doesn't fail me. Sure, he's not always the most reliable but he's there for me. I couldn't have done this without him.

Another thing I realised, I also really count on my mother. I couldn't imagine doing this without her. I never thought I would actually need her but I do. As much as we fight and don't get along, I still need my mother. It makes me wonder what Peanut will be like when she is born. Will she be like my mother and me? Or will we be close? Will she need me and rely on me when she's in trouble? Or will she push me away?

As scared as I was when I thought Peanut was really coming, I was also really disappointed to find out she wasn't. I can't wait to have my baby girl.

Marley called me today. We have become sort of friends. Mom loves to soak up the attention at Lamaze and so me and Marley just hang out. At first, I wasn’t sure what to make of her. She is so uppity and she talks so much. If she was at SHS, I would be irritated by her but for some reason she doesn’t annoy me. It’s nice to have someone to talk about pregnancy stuff to. It’s nice to be able to compare pregnancy ills and whatnot. I can’t exactly talk to Brad about it. I doubt he wants to hear that my breasts are lactating. Marley complains just as loudly and then we can talk about different types of breasts pumps. Again, not exactly a conversation I can have with Brad.

Marley and I were talking about names today. Andrea has changed from MaKenna to Kirsten to Steely. She told me that I really needed to start thinking about names. I just sort of shrugged. I guess I’m assuming that I’ll figure it out later. She reminded me that there isn’t much later left. She is due a couple of weeks before I am. She said that time will just creep up on us really quickly. Maybe I should start looking through name books and ignore any suggestions from Brad.

It was nice to get out today. Michael came home last night. We didn’t say a word to each other. Mom pulled me aside this morning and told me to “be nice.” What does she know? I never told her about his “talk” with Brad. She doesn’t know that he came down after he found out about Peanut. Why should I be “nice” to him when he can barely look at me? I bet she didn’t pull him aside. Whatever. I can go the rest of the month and not speak a word to him. I have nothing to say.

My birthday was yesterday. I was going to write yesterday but when I got home, I was simply too tired.

This year is so radically different than from last year. I remember my birthday last year. The twins were running around. We had lived with them for about a month. I hated it here. I hated Tara and Sara. I hated their drawing they gave me. I hated how Nelson tried to interfer with my birthday traditions. I hated that both dad and Michael didn't call. I hated that Michael called a few days later, alleging that he had remembered but was too busy.

This year is different, however. The twins aren't annoying me as much and the fact that Nelson made a birthday breakfast didn't make me want to rip out my hair. Then there was Brad. He really came through. He took me to McDonald's and to a concert. He even got a little cake.

Brad was the best part of the day. Just being with him, on that blanket, I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I must have looked ridiculous but I’m in love with him. I really am and I hate it because I know he doesn’t think of me like that. It makes me wonder where we would be if Peanut never happened. Would things be like they are now? Or would we have broken up? I guess I should just be happy that Brad is here and he does so much. Who else would get up in the middle of the night and get me ice cream? Brad really was the best birthday present.

I’m still pretty pissed about what happened with Brad. I can’t believe that his sister and his father would act like that. Well, I can believe his father would. It seems like all fathers are assholes. And really, Amy shouldn’t have surprised me. I’ve met her before and thought she was a total bitch. Now this? Someone needs to tell her where her place is. If she won’t listen to Brad, she should listen to me. I know who Peanut’s father and it’s not Brad. Though, I can say this here, Peanut would have done good by Brad. He would have made a good father.

Mom and I talked with the guidance counsellor on Thursday to enrol me in summer school. So now, starting Monday, I get to sit with a bunch of seniors who couldn’t pull their socks up enough to pass school and graduation. Exciting times. I will just have to bring my mp3 player and try to tune out all the pathetic whining about how they failed and how they are too stupid to go to college.

I know why I’m doing this. The goal is to get half days at school next year so I can graduate on time and can spend most of the day with Peanut. That makes it worth it. That makes going to school during my summer worth it.

The twins are downstairs with mom making a special dinner for Nelson. Every few minutes Sara or Tara will run up here and ask me to join them. I don’t know how many times I’ve yelled at them to leave me alone and slammed the door behind them. Nelson is my stepfather, not my father. I don’t need to be downstairs, giggling with the girls and writing in too sugary icing how wonderful a dad he is. My dad abandoned me. My dad hasn’t written me for months. I’m not even in my dad’s thoughts.

I keep looking down at my stomach and thinking the same thing all day. Peanut’s father has abandoned her. He will never be around for father’s day. She’ll never be with me in the kitchen, laughing, as we make him a meal. She’ll never write him a “Happy Father’s Day” card in glitter. He’ll never take her out to play on the park or be there when she runs home and tells him all about her day. He’ll never pick her up and tell her that she is his special little girl. At least Peanut is lucky enough that she won’t have memories that will haunt her on Father’s Day. She’s lucky enough not to remember how Father’s Day used to be. She won’t remember running into the bedroom, jumping on dad’s bed and asking him if he remembers that he promised to have a special lunch. Dad would get up and Michael, Dad and I would go to go out for a pancake brunch. Then we would go do something special that afternoon, just the three of us.

Nelson isn’t my father. There is no reason that I need to be social today at all. Everyone can just leave me alone.

I saw Tommy yesterday. Brad beat him up. That’s all I want to say about it. It should bother me more than it does. A part of me knows I should be really upset about what happened. I never wanted to see him again. I saw him again. He was angry and hurtful that I didn’t get rid of his child. Brad stood up for me. He got really angry and stood up for me.

I’m more upset that it happened than what happened. I’m more upset that someone is out there able to do those things. I’m more upset that Brad had to stand up for me. I’m more upset that a part of me hates myself for what happened. I’m more upset that there is this part of me that wishes this past year never happened. I’m more upset that there is a part of me that wants to go back to just before mom’s wedding and change everything. I’m more upset that I’m afraid Jacqui will be right, that this baby deserves someone better than me. I’m more upset that I can’t just be content with the hand I’ve been dealt. I’m more upset that I can’t just look at my bloated stomach and smile because that’s my baby in there. I’m more upset that I’m not the mother I should be.

I’m more upset that I’m upset about all these other things and not about Tommy.

I’m not like how Jacqui says I am. I don’t resent this baby. I don’t blame this baby for how things turned out. I’m not going to hate this baby. I chose to keep this baby. I chose to be its mother and I chose to carry this baby to term. I thought about those decisions and the consequences. I do not regret my decisions. I don’t and I won't

Yet I cannot help but think about how life would be if I never became pregnant. Especially during prom. Prom wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. I never really imagined what prom would be when I was younger. I never dreamt that it would be the most wonderful night in my whole life or the night I would go out with Prince Charming and lose my virginity to him. I guess I always assumed it would be me and the girls going: Andi, Sheila, Heather and Jacqui. But prom wasn’t like that. Jacqui is back from wherever she disappeared to and as much as I worried about her when she was gone, it’s not enough for me to want to talk to her again. Heather is Jacks’ best friend and is usually tuned out to the world around her. Sheila is so drunk lately and Andi… she’s probably the most normal one out of all of us. We aren’t a group anymore and it’s sad because I don’t believe we ever will be again.

If I wasn't pregnant, then maybe it would have been different. Maybe Jacqui and I could have made up one day. Maybe we would have gone as a group. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have gone with Brad as his date and not just as friend. When I was at prom, I could feel everyone looking at me. There is no hiding the “baby bump” anymore. A lot of the time, I just throw on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It sort of hides it. Mom says it just makes me look pudgy but that’s better than wearing my normal clothes and have people do that double take at me or the fast look away, as if I can’t tell they weren’t just looking at my stomach. I can see the judgement in their eyes. In a way, I don’t care what they think. They aren’t me. They don’t know but on the other hand, I hate the stares. There is nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I just want to go out to those people who are staring and say, “Yes, I’m pregnant. Get over it.” Prom would have been nicer without the stares.

Then there is Brad and

I don't regret this baby. I won't blame the baby for things that can't be now. I shouldn't be thinking about what ifs.

My first mother’s day.

When I went to bed last night, I thought about my mother and how much things have changed recently. Last year my mother and I had a huge fight. She wanted Nelson and the twins to join us on our Mother’s Day brunch. It was supposed to be just me, mom and Michael but Michael cancelled at the last minute. I didn’t want Nelson and the twins there. In all honestly, I hadn’t wanted to go at all but at least I thought it should have been family only. In the end, mom went with Nelson and the twins and I stayed at home. I didn’t want Nelson to be invading on family time. I didn’t want them a part of my family either. It’s amazing how much has changed in one year. If you had told me a year ago that Nelson and the twins were going to be a part of the family and that I actually sort of respected them, I probably would have self imploded. Dad had been gone for two years then and I was still fighting it. I just wanted things back to normal. I wanted my dad back. I was closer to my dad than my mother. My mother was always trying to figure me out, trying to relate to me. In grade eight, she brought me that black leather vest, it wasn’t because it was just a nice gift but because she was trying to connect to me and make sure I fit in with everyone else. Dad, on the other hand, if he was the one buying the vest, he would have gotten it because I liked it. No other reason other than I liked it. It’s weird. Now dad doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’s all but forgotten me and what he does remember he had a daughter, it’s like he has this image in his mind of someone else. He pictures a daughter who is doing well in school and is popular. He doesn’t want to bother to find out if he is right or wrong. He doesn’t want to bother most of the time.

Mom, on the other hand, is different. Mom hasn’t bailed on me. Her and I… we don’t really get along. Mom has this image of me in her head too. She has this image of someone she wants me to be but she’s trying. The pink in my hair says she’s trying. She’s not perfect. She keeps bringing home these really preppy looking maternity outfits which makes me just gag. I’ve told her those aren’t my style but she’s so hopeful and… it feels like I owe it to her to wear them around the house at least. She’s helping me with this baby and she doesn’t have to. I could throw a hissy fit and tell her to return them but I don’t. Am I changing? Am I just giving in? Or am I just trying to keep things peaceful? Fighting all the time can be tiring. It makes things hard.

Mom woke me up this morning, wishing me a happy mother’s day. It confused me at first then it sort of hit me. Maybe the baby isn’t born yet but I’m a mother. I’m a mother now. The twins were apparently making her breakfast downstairs and she was supposed to wait for breakfast in bed. Nelson was supervising to make sure the twins weren’t making anything “unique.” She wanted this moment to be between the Pappas girls. She had gotten me a huge white soft knitted blanket for myself and a smaller one for the baby. She said on the nights that I’m up with the baby, having the blankets would be nice. I hadn’t expected to get anything for mother’s day. Mom looked a bit sad when I opened my present.

It’s been a weird day. I don’t even really know what I’m thinking about right now. After the twins gave mom their gift, I gave her mine then asked her to go prom dress shopping with me. I think she appreciated that more than the actual gift. I almost regret asking her because I know she is going to point out the worse dresses and I will hate them but she seemed so happy that I couldn’t take it away from her.

I don’t know. With everything that is going on lately, I almost feel content with life. I don’t feel like I’m fighting against everything all the time. Things are finally peaceful at home. Things are okay with friends (well, what’s going on with Sheila is a different issue that I don’t want to deal with). Things are okay with school. I’m not fighting myself about the baby. Is this happiness? Is this what life is supposed to be like? Or is this just a phase and everything will go to crap again?

( Writing doesn't mean anything )

Get out. We’re done.
You're gonna ruin that kid's life, even though it never ever asked to be born to a shitty person like you.

I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about those conversations over and over. I couldn’t say it to Jacqui. I was furious when she came up to me. I still am. She is wrong. We were friends for so long. I didn’t agree with a lot of what she did but…

What if she is right? What if I’m just this horrible person? What if I do ruin this baby’s life? What if it would have been better off being aborted? What if I had decided not to abort it because of some sense of pride? Because Tommy was an asshole and just to spite him, I was going to keep the child. Am I that petty? Would I really put my personal feelings over what is best for this life?

I should just give it up for adoption and then it will never have to think of me again. It can have a wonderful life and never know what a fuck up its mother is. It will never know and it can actually be happy.

Everything I thought I gained by telling Andi and Sheila is lost.

There’s a reason why Brad hates me. There is a reason why he threw me out of his house and why he never wants to talk to me again.

I should just tell Nelson to help me figure out this adoption thing.

I told Andi and Sheila last week about the baby. Their reactions were different than anyone else. I really thought they were get mad. I thought they would look down on me and judge me, like I did something really stupid. But they didn't. It was a bit awkward at times, especially when they asked me what I was planning to do. As every day passes, I want to say I'm going to keep this baby. I have been looking into welfare and co-ops. I could do it on my own, if I wanted to.

Andi said to me that something good may come out of this. I wonder if she is right. Sometimes it feels like this baby had destoryed my whole life. Everything I thought I had control over, I lost. Maybe something good can happen for this. My mother had taken to chanting that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this thing isn't as bad as I thought it was.

Brad spoke to me yesterday. As if everything was fine between us, normal between us. As if he isn't mad at me or hates me. I don't know what to think about that. What if he starts acting like nothing happened? What if he acts like he never threw me out of his life? I answered him back yesterday but do I want to talk to him again? He's an asshole just like every other guy. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to trust him. I don't want him back. No. I do. I miss him. None of this matters. He has made his feelings perfectly clear.

He hasn’t been in class all week. I haven’t seen him all week. I thought I saw him once or twice in the halls but I can’t be sure. It’s like he’s gone. One moment he was there, one moment he was a part of my life and the next he’s gone. He’s completely vanished. He turned out to be like everyone else. I miss him. I don’t want to. When I think of him, all I can hear is how he told me to get out, how he wasn’t even... he’s an asshole. A jerk. Like everyone else. How can I miss him? He doesn’t miss me, obviously. Whatever we had meant nothing to him and I just need to forget him. He’s just another lesson in my life: don’t let people in; don’t trust people.

I had another doctor’s appointment yesterday. I was surprised at how it tired it made me. I had intended to go back to school after the appointment but it just wore me out. I stayed home for the rest of the day. The doctor did some tests to make sure the baby is growing healthy and I had my first ultrasound. I had no idea what to expect but when the screen flickered to life and I could see the black and white image of my baby… I don’t know how to explain it. The doctor showed me where the baby’s head was and where the body was. Suddenly, the baby felt real to me. I’ve noticed the changes in me. I’ve read how the baby is growing but to actually see it? It took my breath away. It is real.

So now what do I do? A part of me would rather die than give the child up for adoption. Seeing my baby seemed to turn on this maternal instinct in me. That is mychild, my baby. How can I go through all this only to say good-bye? Yet how can I even entertain the thought of keeping the child? I’m 16. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any money. How can I expect to be a good mother? How can I expect that I can be a mother? Yet, this is my child and I can’t let it go. I can’t.

I know I need to tell mom soon. I’m afraid. After how he acted, what if mom acts the same? What if she hates me as much as he does? How will Nelson react? Will he be disgusted that he has me as a stepdaughter? What if dad or Michael find out? I don’t expect mom to support me in this. I can’t expect to be able to rely on them. But what if she hates me?

What will happen when my friends find out? What will happen when the school finds out? Sometimes I wish I just had an abortion and then I wouldn’t have to deal with this. I look at my ultrasound picture and I know why I didn’t. It doesn’t make any of this easier. And I'm still scared.

I fucking hate him. I HATE him. Why was I so stupid to go to him? He's just like everyone else! I shouldn't have trusted him. I should have known better. He's a fucking asshole!

I should have known that I am completely alone in this.

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

How could he do this to me? I needed him. I needed him. I loved him. I thought he would be there for me. I didn't think he would support me like that but... I thought he would have been there. How could I have been so stupid? I can't trust anyone. I...

I loved him and I lost him and I hate myself so much.