Just Mia

( So go on and fight me/ Go on and scare me to death/ Tell me I asked for it/ Tell me I'll never forget/ You could give me anything but love/ Anything but love )

Mom and I talked with the guidance counsellor on Thursday to enrol me in summer school. So now, starting Monday, I get to sit with a bunch of seniors who couldn’t pull their socks up enough to pass school and graduation. Exciting times. I will just have to bring my mp3 player and try to tune out all the pathetic whining about how they failed and how they are too stupid to go to college.

I know why I’m doing this. The goal is to get half days at school next year so I can graduate on time and can spend most of the day with Peanut. That makes it worth it. That makes going to school during my summer worth it.

The twins are downstairs with mom making a special dinner for Nelson. Every few minutes Sara or Tara will run up here and ask me to join them. I don’t know how many times I’ve yelled at them to leave me alone and slammed the door behind them. Nelson is my stepfather, not my father. I don’t need to be downstairs, giggling with the girls and writing in too sugary icing how wonderful a dad he is. My dad abandoned me. My dad hasn’t written me for months. I’m not even in my dad’s thoughts.

I keep looking down at my stomach and thinking the same thing all day. Peanut’s father has abandoned her. He will never be around for father’s day. She’ll never be with me in the kitchen, laughing, as we make him a meal. She’ll never write him a “Happy Father’s Day” card in glitter. He’ll never take her out to play on the park or be there when she runs home and tells him all about her day. He’ll never pick her up and tell her that she is his special little girl. At least Peanut is lucky enough that she won’t have memories that will haunt her on Father’s Day. She’s lucky enough not to remember how Father’s Day used to be. She won’t remember running into the bedroom, jumping on dad’s bed and asking him if he remembers that he promised to have a special lunch. Dad would get up and Michael, Dad and I would go to go out for a pancake brunch. Then we would go do something special that afternoon, just the three of us.

Nelson isn’t my father. There is no reason that I need to be social today at all. Everyone can just leave me alone.

I saw Tommy yesterday. Brad beat him up. That’s all I want to say about it. It should bother me more than it does. A part of me knows I should be really upset about what happened. I never wanted to see him again. I saw him again. He was angry and hurtful that I didn’t get rid of his child. Brad stood up for me. He got really angry and stood up for me.

I’m more upset that it happened than what happened. I’m more upset that someone is out there able to do those things. I’m more upset that Brad had to stand up for me. I’m more upset that a part of me hates myself for what happened. I’m more upset that there is this part of me that wishes this past year never happened. I’m more upset that there is a part of me that wants to go back to just before mom’s wedding and change everything. I’m more upset that I’m afraid Jacqui will be right, that this baby deserves someone better than me. I’m more upset that I can’t just be content with the hand I’ve been dealt. I’m more upset that I can’t just look at my bloated stomach and smile because that’s my baby in there. I’m more upset that I’m not the mother I should be.

I’m more upset that I’m upset about all these other things and not about Tommy.

I’m not like how Jacqui says I am. I don’t resent this baby. I don’t blame this baby for how things turned out. I’m not going to hate this baby. I chose to keep this baby. I chose to be its mother and I chose to carry this baby to term. I thought about those decisions and the consequences. I do not regret my decisions. I don’t and I won't

Yet I cannot help but think about how life would be if I never became pregnant. Especially during prom. Prom wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. I never really imagined what prom would be when I was younger. I never dreamt that it would be the most wonderful night in my whole life or the night I would go out with Prince Charming and lose my virginity to him. I guess I always assumed it would be me and the girls going: Andi, Sheila, Heather and Jacqui. But prom wasn’t like that. Jacqui is back from wherever she disappeared to and as much as I worried about her when she was gone, it’s not enough for me to want to talk to her again. Heather is Jacks’ best friend and is usually tuned out to the world around her. Sheila is so drunk lately and Andi… she’s probably the most normal one out of all of us. We aren’t a group anymore and it’s sad because I don’t believe we ever will be again.

If I wasn't pregnant, then maybe it would have been different. Maybe Jacqui and I could have made up one day. Maybe we would have gone as a group. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have gone with Brad as his date and not just as friend. When I was at prom, I could feel everyone looking at me. There is no hiding the “baby bump” anymore. A lot of the time, I just throw on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It sort of hides it. Mom says it just makes me look pudgy but that’s better than wearing my normal clothes and have people do that double take at me or the fast look away, as if I can’t tell they weren’t just looking at my stomach. I can see the judgement in their eyes. In a way, I don’t care what they think. They aren’t me. They don’t know but on the other hand, I hate the stares. There is nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I just want to go out to those people who are staring and say, “Yes, I’m pregnant. Get over it.” Prom would have been nicer without the stares.

Then there is Brad and

I don't regret this baby. I won't blame the baby for things that can't be now. I shouldn't be thinking about what ifs.

My first mother’s day.

When I went to bed last night, I thought about my mother and how much things have changed recently. Last year my mother and I had a huge fight. She wanted Nelson and the twins to join us on our Mother’s Day brunch. It was supposed to be just me, mom and Michael but Michael cancelled at the last minute. I didn’t want Nelson and the twins there. In all honestly, I hadn’t wanted to go at all but at least I thought it should have been family only. In the end, mom went with Nelson and the twins and I stayed at home. I didn’t want Nelson to be invading on family time. I didn’t want them a part of my family either. It’s amazing how much has changed in one year. If you had told me a year ago that Nelson and the twins were going to be a part of the family and that I actually sort of respected them, I probably would have self imploded. Dad had been gone for two years then and I was still fighting it. I just wanted things back to normal. I wanted my dad back. I was closer to my dad than my mother. My mother was always trying to figure me out, trying to relate to me. In grade eight, she brought me that black leather vest, it wasn’t because it was just a nice gift but because she was trying to connect to me and make sure I fit in with everyone else. Dad, on the other hand, if he was the one buying the vest, he would have gotten it because I liked it. No other reason other than I liked it. It’s weird. Now dad doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’s all but forgotten me and what he does remember he had a daughter, it’s like he has this image in his mind of someone else. He pictures a daughter who is doing well in school and is popular. He doesn’t want to bother to find out if he is right or wrong. He doesn’t want to bother most of the time.

Mom, on the other hand, is different. Mom hasn’t bailed on me. Her and I… we don’t really get along. Mom has this image of me in her head too. She has this image of someone she wants me to be but she’s trying. The pink in my hair says she’s trying. She’s not perfect. She keeps bringing home these really preppy looking maternity outfits which makes me just gag. I’ve told her those aren’t my style but she’s so hopeful and… it feels like I owe it to her to wear them around the house at least. She’s helping me with this baby and she doesn’t have to. I could throw a hissy fit and tell her to return them but I don’t. Am I changing? Am I just giving in? Or am I just trying to keep things peaceful? Fighting all the time can be tiring. It makes things hard.

Mom woke me up this morning, wishing me a happy mother’s day. It confused me at first then it sort of hit me. Maybe the baby isn’t born yet but I’m a mother. I’m a mother now. The twins were apparently making her breakfast downstairs and she was supposed to wait for breakfast in bed. Nelson was supervising to make sure the twins weren’t making anything “unique.” She wanted this moment to be between the Pappas girls. She had gotten me a huge white soft knitted blanket for myself and a smaller one for the baby. She said on the nights that I’m up with the baby, having the blankets would be nice. I hadn’t expected to get anything for mother’s day. Mom looked a bit sad when I opened my present.

It’s been a weird day. I don’t even really know what I’m thinking about right now. After the twins gave mom their gift, I gave her mine then asked her to go prom dress shopping with me. I think she appreciated that more than the actual gift. I almost regret asking her because I know she is going to point out the worse dresses and I will hate them but she seemed so happy that I couldn’t take it away from her.

I don’t know. With everything that is going on lately, I almost feel content with life. I don’t feel like I’m fighting against everything all the time. Things are finally peaceful at home. Things are okay with friends (well, what’s going on with Sheila is a different issue that I don’t want to deal with). Things are okay with school. I’m not fighting myself about the baby. Is this happiness? Is this what life is supposed to be like? Or is this just a phase and everything will go to crap again?

( Writing doesn't mean anything )

Get out. We’re done.
You're gonna ruin that kid's life, even though it never ever asked to be born to a shitty person like you.

I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about those conversations over and over. I couldn’t say it to Jacqui. I was furious when she came up to me. I still am. She is wrong. We were friends for so long. I didn’t agree with a lot of what she did but…

What if she is right? What if I’m just this horrible person? What if I do ruin this baby’s life? What if it would have been better off being aborted? What if I had decided not to abort it because of some sense of pride? Because Tommy was an asshole and just to spite him, I was going to keep the child. Am I that petty? Would I really put my personal feelings over what is best for this life?

I should just give it up for adoption and then it will never have to think of me again. It can have a wonderful life and never know what a fuck up its mother is. It will never know and it can actually be happy.

Everything I thought I gained by telling Andi and Sheila is lost.

There’s a reason why Brad hates me. There is a reason why he threw me out of his house and why he never wants to talk to me again.

I should just tell Nelson to help me figure out this adoption thing.

I told Andi and Sheila last week about the baby. Their reactions were different than anyone else. I really thought they were get mad. I thought they would look down on me and judge me, like I did something really stupid. But they didn't. It was a bit awkward at times, especially when they asked me what I was planning to do. As every day passes, I want to say I'm going to keep this baby. I have been looking into welfare and co-ops. I could do it on my own, if I wanted to.

Andi said to me that something good may come out of this. I wonder if she is right. Sometimes it feels like this baby had destoryed my whole life. Everything I thought I had control over, I lost. Maybe something good can happen for this. My mother had taken to chanting that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this thing isn't as bad as I thought it was.

Brad spoke to me yesterday. As if everything was fine between us, normal between us. As if he isn't mad at me or hates me. I don't know what to think about that. What if he starts acting like nothing happened? What if he acts like he never threw me out of his life? I answered him back yesterday but do I want to talk to him again? He's an asshole just like every other guy. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to trust him. I don't want him back. No. I do. I miss him. None of this matters. He has made his feelings perfectly clear.

He hasn’t been in class all week. I haven’t seen him all week. I thought I saw him once or twice in the halls but I can’t be sure. It’s like he’s gone. One moment he was there, one moment he was a part of my life and the next he’s gone. He’s completely vanished. He turned out to be like everyone else. I miss him. I don’t want to. When I think of him, all I can hear is how he told me to get out, how he wasn’t even... he’s an asshole. A jerk. Like everyone else. How can I miss him? He doesn’t miss me, obviously. Whatever we had meant nothing to him and I just need to forget him. He’s just another lesson in my life: don’t let people in; don’t trust people.

I had another doctor’s appointment yesterday. I was surprised at how it tired it made me. I had intended to go back to school after the appointment but it just wore me out. I stayed home for the rest of the day. The doctor did some tests to make sure the baby is growing healthy and I had my first ultrasound. I had no idea what to expect but when the screen flickered to life and I could see the black and white image of my baby… I don’t know how to explain it. The doctor showed me where the baby’s head was and where the body was. Suddenly, the baby felt real to me. I’ve noticed the changes in me. I’ve read how the baby is growing but to actually see it? It took my breath away. It is real.

So now what do I do? A part of me would rather die than give the child up for adoption. Seeing my baby seemed to turn on this maternal instinct in me. That is mychild, my baby. How can I go through all this only to say good-bye? Yet how can I even entertain the thought of keeping the child? I’m 16. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any money. How can I expect to be a good mother? How can I expect that I can be a mother? Yet, this is my child and I can’t let it go. I can’t.

I know I need to tell mom soon. I’m afraid. After how he acted, what if mom acts the same? What if she hates me as much as he does? How will Nelson react? Will he be disgusted that he has me as a stepdaughter? What if dad or Michael find out? I don’t expect mom to support me in this. I can’t expect to be able to rely on them. But what if she hates me?

What will happen when my friends find out? What will happen when the school finds out? Sometimes I wish I just had an abortion and then I wouldn’t have to deal with this. I look at my ultrasound picture and I know why I didn’t. It doesn’t make any of this easier. And I'm still scared.

I fucking hate him. I HATE him. Why was I so stupid to go to him? He's just like everyone else! I shouldn't have trusted him. I should have known better. He's a fucking asshole!

I should have known that I am completely alone in this.

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

How could he do this to me? I needed him. I needed him. I loved him. I thought he would be there for me. I didn't think he would support me like that but... I thought he would have been there. How could I have been so stupid? I can't trust anyone. I...

I loved him and I lost him and I hate myself so much.

I'm home alone. I... I need to be honest with myself. I need to stop pretending it's not real. But I guess I'm not pretending it's not real. I find myself touching my stomach throughout the day. I can't believe there is something growing in there. There is something alive in me that isn't me.

I need to make another doctor's appointment. I need to make an appointment no matter what I choose I guess. I've calculated that I'm in my 9th week. Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was online all night rearching my "three options" as all the sites put it: keep it, adopt it, abort it.

At nine weeks it can stuck it thumb. I keep thinking of it as a blob of cells but it's more than that. I can't see it at all but... it's there, growing. Next week it will have fingernails. I read that right now it's the size of the grape and that my blood volume has increased 40-50 times. My body is changing for this thing inside me. I'm changing.

I can't sleep at night and I know I need to. I want to protect it. What do I with it? Do I kill it? Is it too late for that option? Do I keep it? Can I keep it? Am I silly to think I could even keep it? Do I give it up? How do I find a family? Do I need a lawyer?

How do I tell my mother? Can I deal with this without telling my mother? Do I tell Brad? What about the father? Do I have to tell him? Do I expect him to help me support the child it?

I keep searching the internet, expecting something to pop up and say "MIA! THIS IS YOUR ANSWER HERE" but I know I won't. I need to figure this out on my own.

I'm scared

I stayed home today. I told mom I had another headache. I haven’t told anyone what happened at the doctor’s on Friday. What can I say? I went in because I thought I had the flu and the doctor believes it’s something else entirely? He was talking to me as if I was fucking stupid.

I still can’t say it. If I say it, then it makes it real. It can’t be real. It won’t be real I opened my journal a million times this weekend to write about but immediately closed it. I cancelled my date with Brad because I can’t look at him. I don’t know what to say to him.

I’m just sitting here, waiting for the fucking phone to ring and as much as I want it to ring, I’m terrified it will. What if it does and it’s true? Why do these things keep happening to me? It can’t be true. It can’t be true! It’s not fair. IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR. So many more people sleep around than I do! I did once! ONCE! And now the doctor thinks I’m fucking pregnant!

There. I said it. The doctor told me he thinks I’m pregnant. He asked when my last period was. He asked if I ever had unprotected sex. He did the math. I did the math too. But this couldn’t have happened to me. It can’t happen to me. It won’t happen to me. That phone will ring and they will tell me that it’s negative. It must ring and they must tell me it’s negative.

It can’t be true.

I've heard rumours about Andi and I know I should talk to her but I don't really know what to say. I know I shouldn't avoid her but... in all honesty, I don't really understand it. How could it happen? I always thought Andi was so strong, how could she let it happen? I know I shouldn't blame her. I don't blame Andi... I just don't understand why it could happen.

I guess this is just another thing to prove that guys aren't to be trusted. They just hurt and hurt. It makes me scared about Brad. He has been so good lately, I wonder when something will happen that will show his true guy nature?

On a different note, I have a doctor's appointment this Friday. The one positive thing is that I get to miss school in the morning. I guess two positive things, I find out why I feel so crappy lately.

I had a stupid thought.

I can’t seem to shake that flu I had when we were trapped at Target. I am really tired and I still have the feeling of nausea at times. If it was the flu, it would be gone by now, wouldn’t it? The flu doesn’t normally stay around this long.

The other thought (the stupid thought) is that my period late. But that doesn’t mean anything. It’s only a couple of weeks and it’s not like it has never been late before. It’s not like I have regular period or anything. Besides a late period doesn’t necessarily mean that. It’s probably just the super flu. I should have gotten the flu shot this year then I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking stupid thoughts. It’s definitely not that.

Either way, I think I should go to the doctor.

Stayed home today. This flu won't seem to shake off. I think mom may think I'm faking it to get another day home. I'm not feverish, just really tired and sore. It's nice to be back at home; however, in my own bed.

I will never admit this but now it feels weird to be away from Brad. I've grown... I don't know what to say. I won't say I love him. It's not that yet. But to trust him? To really like him? To enjoy his presence? And to spend and entire weekend with him and he didn't run away from me. Most people can't stand me for that long. Like I'm this terrible annoying thing that people need to get away from. He seemed annoyed at times but he would also hold me. He was sweet. He makes me happy. I am happy to see him ... I'm dwelling on this too much.

Coming home was really weird. I just wanted to flop into bed but the twins tackled me as if they hadn't seen me in years. I ended up playing in the yard with them for a bit. Sometimes I forget these are my stepsiblings and I almost think of them as my siblings. For a few moments, I don't feel that weight on me that my family is messed up. Then it hits me and everything is screwed up again. Then I just want to run away. Sisters who aren't my sisters. A man who isn't my father. My mother who seemed to look at me differently as I helped the twins build that snowman. Moments were I forget about those things seem to have a fairy tale feeling to it. A fake feeling. A feeling of unrealness. A feeling similar to when I'm with Brad- something like this can't be happening. Sometimes I want to get lost in that feeling.

Nelson and I did that bowling thing Sunday night. I could tell he was trying to hard and at the same trying not to try so hard. I admit. I was a brat. As much as a part of me wants to be the good daughter/ step daughter, as much as I wanted to have that huge heart-to-heart, while drinking coke, I couldn't. I didn't want to open up to him. I don't want to let him in. So what, he can be my father for two- three years and disappear? What about the twins? Have either one of them thought about them? Sure, they act all happy and joyful, telling mom they love her but what about their own mother? She doesn't seem to be in the picture. I never hear Nelson talk about her. She abandoned her babies just like my father did! How can they trust anyone? Or are they too young to mistrust adults?

I keep thinking what Jacqui said. Do what makes me happy. Did having sex with that DJ make me happy? I don't know. No regrets but that isn't the fondest memory I have of the wedding. Being with Brad was. Dating Brad makes me happy- even if he shows up late and doesn't explain why. I have to wonder if being a better daughter, which I suppose is a relative term, would make me happier or if just trying to keep the peace will. Will having a "relationship" with Nelson make things better? I'll be going away to college in a few years so will I really need to deal with him after that?

I don't want to trust him. I don't want to allow him in to hurt me. I don't want him to be like everyone else. I'm afraid that he is and that is going to prevent me from ever being the daughter/ step daughter that is expected of me.

I don't even know where to start. I have so many thoughts in my head. Yesterday changed everything, I think. I don't know what to expect now. I don't know what I should expect. The only thing that hasn't changed in Michael. He's downstairs, making dinner. I know when I go down there I will get a lecture about not helping out. The twins are spending the next week with their grandparents. So it's just me and Michael this week.

What is going to happen when mom and Nelson come back? Will he expect me to call him dad? I have avoided him so much since mom started dating him. It's not like I never talked to him but I never allowed him to get close enough. I didn't want him in my life. I didn't want that possibility that things won't go back to normal. Maybe this is normal. We moved here July 1. I have lived with him for six months now. Maybe I ought to let him in.

Maybe if I accept the fact that Nelson is my stepfather and Sara and Tara are my stepsisters, things will be better. Maybe if I accept the fact that my father enjoys the idea of having children but not actually doing anything with them, things won't be so bad. Maybe if I accept the fact that Michael is a douchebag and to expect nothing from him, he and I will actually get along.

What if Nelson turns out to be like dad? Or Michael? What if he gets bored of mom within a few years? What if he leaves again? How can mom trust him like that? This is whole reason why I can't like Brad. How can I? Men can't be trusted. Sure, Brad is this wonderful guy now but what if he changes? What if we lose our friendship? I don't even know if he likes me like that; however, I have a feeling he does. What if he tries something and everything changes? He's one of the few people I can relate to, count on. I don't want to lose that.

There is one other thing I know I ought to mention. The DJ. The side room. I'm okay with what happened. I never pictured my first time being anything amazing or wonderful. I never pictured roses and candle light. It was actually what I thought it would be, which is sort of depressing. I'm not going to overthink it, however. I'm not upset with what happened.

Damn it. Michael is calling me to help out. I guess that's okay. I have nothing left to say right now.

Fucking Jacqui. Who needs her? Who needs her drugged up ways? First Andi getting on her high horse (and probably pink too) telling me to change myself for my family then Jacqui calling me too emo. I'm not emo. I'm not some label you can slap on me.

Why is everyone content to tell me how WRONG I am? To tell me that I need to change? No one is willing to tell me that it's okay to be me, that's I don't need to change. Don't they think if they just stopped trying to tell me what to do I may change on my own? That I may just stop seeing the world as a horrible place? They are the ones who make it horrible!

I guess not everyone is horrible. Brad isn't horrible. Brad is nice and he doesn't push. He listens in all the right spots and talks in all the right spots. Plus stealing Christmas decorations was fun.

He's Heather's ex and it makes me wonder if that means he's off limits. Not that I'm interested. Being interested would change everything. It would make him an asshole. Like with Theo. Or Robert. It changes people. I don't want things to change between us.

Seven days left.

Mom is running around like crazy, making sure everything is done. She has begun packing for their honeymoon.

It seems like this thing is really going to happen. I have no idea why I held on to this hope that it wouldn't but it will.

Soon my mother will not be Mrs. Pappas or even Ms. Radinsky anymore. She'll be Mrs. More.

I can't help but think everything will change then.

I need to hang out with Jacqui before the wedding. I need some of her stupidity (Heather's too, I guess) so I can survive the wedding.

I would have never have thought that this moronic partner project would a good thing. Sort of. I can't believe I just said it was a good thing. I can't believe I'm actually writing down that spending time with Justin Forbes didn't make me want to hang myself. I can't believe I'm going to say this: he gave me some things to think about.

He's not that different from me. His dad bailed on him before he was born. The rest of his family wants nothing to do with him. My dad bailed on me. My brother bailed on me. My mom wants a new and improved daughter. What's different is that he doesn't let that get to him. He doesn't let them rule his life. He's still happy. He won't let their bullshit make him upset.

Do I let my family rule my life too much? Clearly I let their stupidity rule my life too much. Is it possible for me to be happy if I let go of my hatred of them? Could I be happy, could I have control of my life if I didn't let them bother me?

I don't know. I honestly don't know but it's worth the thought.