My first mother’s day.
When I went to bed last night, I thought about my mother and how much things have changed recently. Last year my mother and I had a huge fight. She wanted Nelson and the twins to join us on our Mother’s Day brunch. It was supposed to be just me, mom and Michael but Michael cancelled at the last minute. I didn’t want Nelson and the twins there. In all honestly, I hadn’t wanted to go at all but at least I thought it should have been family only. In the end, mom went with Nelson and the twins and I stayed at home. I didn’t want Nelson to be invading on family time. I didn’t want them a part of my family either. It’s amazing how much has changed in one year. If you had told me a year ago that Nelson and the twins were going to be a part of the family and that I actually sort of respected them, I probably would have self imploded. Dad had been gone for two years then and I was still fighting it. I just wanted things back to normal. I wanted my dad back. I was closer to my dad than my mother. My mother was always trying to figure me out, trying to relate to me. In grade eight, she brought me that black leather vest, it wasn’t because it was just a nice gift but because she was trying to connect to me and make sure I fit in with everyone else. Dad, on the other hand, if he was the one buying the vest, he would have gotten it because I liked it. No other reason other than I liked it. It’s weird. Now dad doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’s all but forgotten me and what he does remember he had a daughter, it’s like he has this image in his mind of someone else. He pictures a daughter who is doing well in school and is popular. He doesn’t want to bother to find out if he is right or wrong. He doesn’t want to bother most of the time.
Mom, on the other hand, is different. Mom hasn’t bailed on me. Her and I… we don’t really get along. Mom has this image of me in her head too. She has this image of someone she wants me to be but she’s trying. The pink in my hair says she’s trying. She’s not perfect. She keeps bringing home these really preppy looking maternity outfits which makes me just gag. I’ve told her those aren’t my style but she’s so hopeful and… it feels like I owe it to her to wear them around the house at least. She’s helping me with this baby and she doesn’t have to. I could throw a hissy fit and tell her to return them but I don’t. Am I changing? Am I just giving in? Or am I just trying to keep things peaceful? Fighting all the time can be tiring. It makes things hard.
Mom woke me up this morning, wishing me a happy mother’s day. It confused me at first then it sort of hit me. Maybe the baby isn’t born yet but I’m a mother. I’m a mother now. The twins were apparently making her breakfast downstairs and she was supposed to wait for breakfast in bed. Nelson was supervising to make sure the twins weren’t making anything “unique.” She wanted this moment to be between the Pappas girls. She had gotten me a huge white soft knitted blanket for myself and a smaller one for the baby. She said on the nights that I’m up with the baby, having the blankets would be nice. I hadn’t expected to get anything for mother’s day. Mom looked a bit sad when I opened my present.
It’s been a weird day. I don’t even really know what I’m thinking about right now. After the twins gave mom their gift, I gave her mine then asked her to go prom dress shopping with me. I think she appreciated that more than the actual gift. I almost regret asking her because I know she is going to point out the worse dresses and I will hate them but she seemed so happy that I couldn’t take it away from her.
I don’t know. With everything that is going on lately, I almost feel content with life. I don’t feel like I’m fighting against everything all the time. Things are finally peaceful at home. Things are okay with friends (well, what’s going on with Sheila is a different issue that I don’t want to deal with). Things are okay with school. I’m not fighting myself about the baby. Is this happiness? Is this what life is supposed to be like? Or is this just a phase and everything will go to crap again?